I have struggled with depression my entire life.
Even as a child, I never seemed to find it easy to be happy. I normally joke
with close friends that I was self-aware at 7 to the point that after that, I
could never choose to be happy.
I’ve learned so many things in my marriage. I have
learned what it means to fail my amazing husband (which is the greatest regret
of my life). I have also learned what it means to support him, even when it
sucks for me.
The greatest thing I have learned in the past two or
so years is that he cannot give me happiness. In our marriage vows, he never
promised to make me happy; he just promised to be there no matter what.
That may seem like a bad thing, but that is the best
thing he could ever offer me. I have to choose my own happiness. No one can
ever give that choice to me. I cannot grow if I have a soul mate who only gives
me everything I could ever want or need. I need someone to strengthen me, to
challenge the person I thought I was before we married.
One of my closest friends told me the first year of marriage is
the hardest, and I didn’t believe him. But, that was only because our first
year of marriage was apart. The instant I moved in with him, everything changed.
He drove me crazy. He was never home because he was in the army. If he was at
home, he spent the entire time spatting out his day without even acknowledging
my presence/absence or what was going on with my life.
And, meanwhile, I wasn’t supporting him, either. I
just nodded while he recanted his stories. I had to stop acknowledging him in
my emotional existence in order to still feel. I pretended almost as though he
were a figment of my imagination.
For almost an entire year, we yelled, even screamed
at each other. It was the worst year of my life because it was the year I
yelled at and hated the man I married because he was the only man I would ever
consider marrying.
I hope to erase the guilt of that year one day, but
as of now, I only hope to save our marriage. A life without him is a life I
cannot fathom.
I cannot remember the time it took or when I finally
came to him after that year. I just remember that the idea of not holding him,
not laughing with him, not living with him, was more than I could bear.
Stephen is, after everything, my love, my only, my
dream man, the one I would always wait for. When I decided to let my pride down
and hold him, I regretted nothing and regretted everything that made him feel
insecure about our relationship. If I could do it all over again, I would start
at the time I met him when I was 17 and change nothing from what I felt for him, then.
This is a love letter to you, Stephen. I am SO
imperfect, but I would like to spend the rest of my life showing you that you
are worthy of love and acceptance. I want to prove to you that you are THE best
man I know and the best friend I will ever have. Until the second I die, I will
love you the most. I know we are meant for each other because every time we try
to make it work, I love you even more than the last time we try. We can do
this. I believe in us.
